…and I watched everything come up – the thoughts attached to the feelings which are in turn attached to the conditioned and limiting belief systems (around not having time or space to serve my needs and wants). The resistance of non-acceptance of the as-is before me and the “stories and movie” I was creating around it all. I saw it ever-so clearly and yet I allowed my feelings of sadness and tears wash over me. For in this cleansing I made room for the truth to breathe more freely.
In my own self-coaching deconstruction, I have noticed this Inner-Child lack pattern (a feeling of being vulnerable, emotional, sensitive and triggered) particularly surface most when “it’s that time of month” (that’s a given) and when my husband leaves for work travel and when he returns (which he travels frequently). The added weight that I feel and take on in his absence – which requires more of my undivided attention with my daughter and “depleting time” deepens my lack around losing time and my desire to be with and for myself more.
And when he returns, depending on what has transpired with my daughter and her emotional upsets, I find that sometimes when he returns home, I’m in great need to project my feelings onto him – spilling over what I’ve been keeping inside and holding together when he’s gone – almost like a child can find themselves doing after school with us.
My projection can look like a distant feeling (“don’t bother me attitude”) or (“poor me behavior”) or (“you don’t understand what and all I have to do, be each day for our family”) or (“what I went through while you were gone”) or merely being preoccupied in my thoughts and “checked out”. This doesn’t in the slightest diminish my true knowing of all he is being and doing for our family in return. Yet in those Inner-Child moments like the other night (after I felt resistance from my daughter around getting out of the shower even after giving her plenty of transition time, I reached my threshold of being patient and being “consciously on” all day) and my energy took a nose-dive straight to lack. As attuned is my daughter, she felt it and wanted nothing to do with me (don’t blame her) and I walked away saying “Michael can you please take over”, which he did with no issue. My story of “being tired” and just wanting her cooperation without fuss, without one more conversation about working together, without not wanting to negotiate every time, without not wanting to repeat myself again inevitably pulls at my energy levels and in those “I’m done” lack minded moments, my fuel tank crashes and the SHIfT happens just like that.
So when shower time had arrived, I was emotionally spent and physically drained and my compassion was focused only on myself. I retreated inwardly, pouting and feeling my anger at the same time. I became quiet and ignored any “need” being asked of me. At one point, as I was sitting at my computer (no one around), I clasped my hands individually and banged then onto my desk – making a sound of “arrgh”. I needed to allow my body that sense of release-although a big scream would have probably been better but my environment didn’t allow for it.
I cried openly and vulnerably in front of my family. My daughter’s affection was so beautiful and she came to comfort me. She asked me what’s wrong and I told her I was feeling sad and had a lot on my heart and mind. She proceeded to tell me “it’s okay mommy you are trying” (she even said the word “perseverance” as she’s learned this at school). My heart melted and as she wiped the tears from my eyes we moved through the rest of the night -connecting and sharing about feeling and emotions. My husband had walked in at one point (in his way to sometimes avoid discomfort) he made small talk and didn’t acknowledge my state of presence. I said something along the lines of “it’s hard when you travel and I’m tired,” to which he replied (via his Inner-Child) a short-handed response that this is a two-parent household and him not being asked about his week. I reminded him that I did in fact ask last night (he didn’t recall) and I got up and walked away. I went into our room closet and finished crying. Moments later they both came in and my daughter and I sat together. She began to cry a bit too. I held her and asked what she’s feeling and she said “I feel sad when you’re sad.” I told her that she doesn’t need to take on mommy’s emotions and that I’m giving myself the space I need to feel them. We held a bit longer and then moved about our night to get her ready for bed. My husband and I had remained silent the rest of that night – which I accepted and knew “this too shall pass” for in that needed space it gave both of us room to detach from our emotions so we could then reconvene without negative energy or Inner-Child projection.
BACK TO THE ESSENCE OF THIS SHARE…
As I’ve been truly consumed by helping my daughter’s special needs get met and tirelessly since she was 17 months old and being, doing and teaching the work of consciousness / conscious parenting since 2014, I undoubtedly feel a sense of overload. I often desire a week retreat to “escape” from the pressures I feel and often place upon myself. I have become so attuned at times to every moment before me that I exert my energies to the point that I’m not properly replenishing for myself – which is where I fall into my trap of lack.
The limited time I already feel I have only gets slimmer when my husband leaves (and any left-over time that even appears within reach (say after I put my daughter to bed), I’m simply exhausted and need to just be (albeit in silence, solitude) – my way of self-care.
Though my mind seduces me to realizing how valuable that time is to “get caught up” once she’s asleep – most times I am present with my feelings and go with where I am at that moment – which may mean I fall asleep in my daughter’s bed while putting her to sleep or sit on the couch and read / write or listen to my various online courses that I am a part of. Yet in my attuning to what my body needs, the struggle I also feel is that I’m going to stay farther behind on what I also do need to get done – including an upcoming move to our new home this September and all that comes with that as well beginning a new biomedical integration process for our daughter to help her with more underlying root imbalance issues – these are two of the biggest “to dos” weighing over me at the present moment.
In all of this, I know time is infinite and expansive, I know I am the co-creator of my reality, I know all things before me is in direct relation to the compilation of cause and effect, I know my lack is deriving from a limited belief system and in all this knowing, I AM.
- I am expressing my feelings in and through the truth of my authentic being
- I am allowing my feelings to be felt without self-judgment
- I am observing my thoughts but not thinking I’m lesser because of them
- I am choosing to connect to my heart so that I don’t stay mired in my mind
- I am accepting my humanness as-is through those moments of my non-acceptance of the as-is
- I am receiving the gifts in the struggles
- I am trusting that in my discomfort my self-growth will only heighten
- I am staying in abundance even when I feel in lack
A FOLLOW UP TO THE ABOVE SHARE (THE NEXT MORNING) …
There is truly a liberating feeling that occurs when we allow ourselves to lean into the discomfort before us, be in silence and not resist the resistance we are feeling within us at any given moment in our life.
So after the following night’s inner lack feelings, I sat for a while longer in silence and just stayed present with my being. I watched and observed my heart rate, my breath and my thoughts. I had created space for each one simultaneously to be felt and in turn felt the newfound expansion of space envelope my heart.
I then went to open my daughter’s bedroom door before heading to bed and then peeked my head into my husband’s office to say goodnight. He said goodnight / love you as I repeated it back to him.
The following morning I found myself awaking at 5:40 a.m. Thinking I could get an early start to my day, my little love awoke moments thereafter (was hopeful but not one bit surprised). So we went about our morning and I stayed on my breath with even deeper awareness. A few hours later my husband got up and we flowed as usual into our family weekend rhythm-conversation, silliness and playfulness. At one point, I checked my emails to find (as always) a message from DailyOM re: my horoscope with a heading that read “Irritated and Agitated” and felt as if every word was written just for me. And to add to that, the email was time-stamped 2:22 am (a sign my angels were with me as I was sleeping). How carried I felt in that moment knowing The Universe had my back.
Staying connected to my thoughts and feelings and knowing my husband and I have a strong connection, I said to him… “So I wrote a post last night and I mentioned you in it.” Of which my husband replied “awesome” with a smirky smile. I asked him if he wanted to read it and he said sure. I handed him my phone and a few seconds later he said to our daughter “your mom should write a book”. She said “she already did.” Through this divine sharing, trusting and knowing, I continued to lean into my vulnerability that my husband and I began to emerge in a bit of laughter and sarcasm. He said “I didn’t know where you disappeared to last night” which I said with a laugh “oh and I saw you looked so hard for me in this small apartment of course you couldn’t find me”. We continued joking and he said “seriously you need do your writing thing, you have a way with expressing your feelings so well.” A few (happy) tears washed over me and then he proceeded to say “I get you don’t have a lot of time and things will open up more once she’s in first grade this fall but you don’t have to take it all on (at once).” He was referring the latter primarily to the biomedical process we are embarking upon for our daughter. He gave me a kiss and a hug and two seconds later pitter patter feet little love daughter came in our presence too. She asked why I was crying and with a laughter smile I told her I was finishing some emotions from last night. She bounced around like a bunny around her room (where we all were) and I called a “family meeting” to make sure everyone was heard and detox from last night. We put her bedspread over our heads (like a fort) and we connected through our openness, honesty and feeling safe with sharing what was on our hearts. My daughter started with “I love you and sometimes it’s hard for me to understand your words and actions.” I asked her to share more and she said “I can’t always understand what you are saying.” I acknowledged her saying “you are right, thank you for your honesty and I’ll do better to keep that in mind.”
As I believe so deeply and shared in my original message above, there is always abundance even when we feel lack. The shift in myself and the deepening in our family connection a day later (though I’m not attaching to or expecting it to be or go this way each time), is where the gift resides in the struggle(s). Sitting in the pain is golden and then to arrive on the other side of it to experience the purpose of it is where we are called to enrich our lives and co-create both an inner and outer world that reflects our limitless, boundless and expansive formless being in the daily form of life.
Inevitably, I feel much lighter today all around.