I am realizing, I have neglected you many times over the years. You often try to get my attention but at different points along my walk of life, I seem to dismiss your very light and purpose for my own healing. As if the way I am “doing life” is serving my spirit better. Such a delusional thought I know yet one that I am finding takes constant steadiness and readiness in the deconstruction and reconstruction process to re-shifting and re-aligning my beliefs from my higher self and not from my false self.
So often, Forgiveness, you are patient and willing to stand on the sidelines while I go off setting high expectations on myself and indirectly onto others – though I feel I have improved over the years in the latter area. I am often so hard on myself when I misstep and, in a way, I punish myself thinking I should “know better” at this point in my life when I act immature or experience hurtful feelings – so narcissistic it is to think I am exempt from enduring the necessary inner pain for my growth. And when I go down this path of thinking, I seem to lose you in the distance as the noise in my head is too loud. Yet somewhere in the muck of it all, you are attempting to gently tap me on the shoulder letting me know “it’s okay” and “you are human,” “give yourself a break” and “detach from the notion of perfectionism”. Who the hell is perfect anyway, right? But when I am in my higher self, I am open to receiving and I do hear you and I do allow you to come into my heart space to expand the inner wisdom that is waiting to surface. And when the ego (false self) has its grip on my mind, it wants to berate and take me down. It is in full resistance and makes excuses for why I am not worthy in receiving your loving light and energy – as if that is reserved for others not me. The ego stays boxed and wrapped up in a bow of fear, control and anxiety.
It has been through the path of my spiritual unfolding that I am learning to lean more into the discomfort of my fears and feelings. I am getting more intimate with this part of my soul because I know it’s time to attend to those unmet places. The little girl (inner-child) in me wants to “do right” and “be accepted” and “recognized” for her efforts. When she is needy, she seeks approval externally and neglects the inherent approval that resides within the fibers of her soul merely because of her existence through the loving Source Energy in which she is one. She often believes she is “not smart enough” or “ready enough” and that the other has a greater advantage in their wisdom than she does of herself. Yet at the deepest part of her spirit, she is the most vulnerable soul and willing to put herself out there to be seen and heard first for herself and when she does this, she feels inner freedom. She knows she is serving her mission in this life form. She is making herself matter and nourishing those parts of her essence that she’s lost touch with or buried deep within over the years.
She sees that you, Forgiveness, are the wings to her ability to take flight – regardless of the self-judgment and/or judgment of others when she speaks candidly or unconventionally. She feels the hesitancy but does it anyway, and she rises in her most authentic energy – allowing herself to connect to other souls who are on their own search and path for answers. She has more compassion not only for herself but for others – realizing not everyone is evolving to the same degree as she is (or is ready to do so) but rather in their own time.
It is through this deeper awareness, Forgiveness, that I, the adult self, wants to become more one with you as I grow and evolve more deeply in my truth. I want to better understand and feel the power of your powerful nature and how I can continue to find grace through you in those less than desirable moments I co-create on my journey. For I know deep down that when I do, I will be able to surrender control to the fears that hold me back from living my best life. That the very reason I was placed here on this earth is to serve my mission from the place of giving, knowing I am also receiving inwardly and filling my own cup. I will then be able to thrive and flourish with self-acceptance and stand in my truth regardless of how I am being perceived on the outside or by my loved ones. It will be through my acceptance of you, Forgiveness, that I will be able to accept and forgive the other and their missteps in return.
With love and gratitude,