5 Steps To Freeing Our Inner Child Pain

5 Steps To Freeing Our Inner Child Pain

5 Steps To Freeing Our Inner Child Pain

No matter what our age, many of us are still seeking our parents’ approval and validation. Mainly, because we were raised within a traditional / authoritative parenting model where we were often felt unheard, unseen and dismissed by our own smarts. Our parents seemed to always know more than us because they were older. They were the almighty; the ones we looked up to. We wanted to be just like them. We were to be respectful, and polite and if we talked back, we got reprimanded – in some way, shape or form. We were told to watch our mouths, respect our elders, and “do as they say, not as they do”. We were made to feel shamed and guilty accepting all the responsibility for our parent’s behaviors and apologize to them for our wrong-doing. We accepted their way as “the” way and slowly through time this is what got programmed into our own minds. We carried this within us unconsciously.

Then, years later as we are evolving and growing more into our being – making sense of the world around us and our place in it – we awaken to all the false tapes that have been playing in our head, yearning to care for our inner child who feels lost and confused. The stories in our head that have been telling us we are not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, and not important enough. Ultimately, our inner compass has been misguided and our present day choices (good, bad or indifferent) have become a manifestation for the summation of years past. Albeit through rebellion or disconnection in our personal and professional relationships, contentions and power-struggles with our own children, bad choices / decisions, self-entitlement, need for materialistic things, high expectations of ourselves and others, overachieving, or gossiping, we have been lead down the dark alleys in our mind triggered by fear, ego, insecurity, guilt, perfectionism, confusion and a need to belong and to not disappoint others. Our external behaviors are a representation of what we are feeling inside – feelings of inadequacy to cope with all the emotions that have been suppressed along the way.

We may also find our past conditioning beliefs lurking its head and seeking attention through the way we are interacting with our children because we did not get these needs fulfilled in our childhood. We in turn demand of our children as our parents demanded of us. We exude control over our children where we had lost it growing up. We punish, belittle or shame our children to have superiority. Or on the contrary, we don’t speak up for fear of conflict with our children and how conflict resonates in us from our own upbringing. We over please our children so we will be liked and needed by them. We may even do everything opposite of the way we were raised – with no healthy boundaries – because we lacked proper guidance and self-respect. In the end, we in some way become our parents and our behaviors reflect through our children’s behaviors. This is how patterned conditions and beliefs perpetuate generation after generation.

When we don’t resolve our inner child’s unmet needs, we deprive ourselves from fully evolving into our truest being. Instead to play it safe, we add layers upon layers of protection (known as the egoic shell) to shield our inner child from experiencing any more pain. The truth of the matter is that we are just putting a bandaid over a deep wound that will never heal without proper self-care. We never get to the source of the matter because we have only been treating the symptoms on a surface level.

As we become more consciously aware, we inevitably get scared. We don’t always know where to start asking for help or asking the questions because we have not counted on ourselves for the answers, instead seeking them and validation externally. There are too many layers of depth to dig through and to begin that process of un-layering means we are going to feel pain as it becomes exposed. We often feel alone and “think” we should know how to handle all those feelings inside because we are “adults”, and because our parents, themselves, never showed us their feelings because it would mean they are weak and not in control, neither should we show our vulnerabilities to our children. This would go against the grain of all that we know and have become accustomed too.

That is why the work of Dr. Shefali Tsabary, author of The Conscious Parent and Out of Control, is such a life-changing process (myself included) to how we revolutionize the parenting model for our children and generations to follow. The essence is to raise ourselves first and secondarily our children. That once we shift from the mindset of parent vs. child to parent with child, the level of connection and insight we gain to ourselves and our children is created from our purest form / essence all the while encouraging our children to look within and trust themselves for the answers to life. We can continue to guide them but the difference is we are creating a healthier and cleaner path for them to follow – not one with our emotional garbage that they have to pick up along the way and store in their backpacks.

Here are 5 steps to to freeing our inner child pain:

  1. ACCEPT THAT OUR PARENTS DID THEIR BEST: At some point, we need to come to the realization that our parents have done their best in raising us. Even if it didn’t meet our expectations, they raised with whatever (or what little) tools, knowledge, support, insight and past conditionings in which they were raised. They have their own stories of fear and because it was considered an omen to talk about their fears, or even emotional pain, they tucked it all inside, put their best foot forward and did all they could to give us a life they knew how. They gave us all they had even if it didn’t measure up to our same needs. We need to see that their pain was projected onto us unconsciously because they didn’t have anyone to soothe their inner child either. But now we know better, so we need to do better – as the beloved late Maya Angelou once said. This leads me into my next step.
  2. STOP BLAMING OTHERS AND START OWNING OURSELVES: We can point fingers all day long at those who “made” this or that come of our lives. If my mother only told me she loved me more, if my father didn’t work so much and was home for dinner, if my boss recognized me for my efforts, if my husband had more appreciation for all I do … if, if, if …. leads to a lot of emptiness. Our parents are done raising us, they have done their job and they no longer can fulfill our needs. This is sometimes painful to accept but it’s a mere fact of life. So taking ownership for the here and now, taking accountability for our actions and choices, being responsible for the decisions we make in this present moment – this is where we need to begin shifting our thoughts from negative to positive and ultimately to peace and harmony. This is how we tend to our inner child. It now begins with us.
  3. CHANGE OUR STORY-TELLING: When you find yourself telling your story from a place of lack, this is a red flag alert to pause and think what is your intention of sharing your story from this perspective? Are you seeking other’s to feel sorry for you? Do you want to feel like you are not alone in the matter so if others agree you will feel validated and “normal”? Has your story served you well to gain empathy that it indirectly makes you feel better about yourself for being where you are in your life? Unconsciously, we don’t even realize our own narrative because it has become immune to our own minds. We are on auto-response and at some point buy into our own stories so much that we have detached from our inner truth. The opportunity for self-growth awaits us every moment of every day, if we remain open to embracing it and steering away from our story that has been holding us back. Look for new signs, new ways that The Universe is calling you to write a new story and be the director of it, not the actor.
  4. ALLOW OUR INNER CHILD TO WEEP: Give it a good, long, deep cry. Mourn the loss of what you needed but never got. Feel the pain and hurt and honor all of it for your inner child. Let it scream, kick, tantrum and release all its toxins. Throw yourself a huge one-day pity party and ask all the “why”, “how come” questions you need so your inner child is finally heard, seen, felt and noticed. Then create the due space, compassion, empathy and approval letting your inner child know it matters and doesn’t have to harbor the pain any longer. This will lead you to …
  5. SET OURSELVES FREE: The most important part of your self-evolving journey into consciousness (both as a “child” to your parent and as a parent to your child) is to set yourself free. As you shed the layers of shame, guilt, inadequacies, perfectionism, control and lack of worthiness, it will feel uncomfortable. Your ego is going to do its best to pull you back in and convince you to stay right where you are most comfortable. You must push through it step by step, emotion by emotion, feeling by feeling. As you clean your inner terrain, you will begin making space for the new to surface – new thoughts and beliefs. Your authentic being will being to rise to the top and thank you for it – as will your children and the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

8 Comments

  • Lee White
    May 31, 2015 5:00 am 0Likes

    I love these points and have been working on them for myself ever since I had my first child (6 years ago). I have come to accept how I was raised and what my place is in my family. My struggle, however, is how do I handle my reactions and frustrations that come up when I interact with my immediate family? They themselves have not changed, so I am facing the same feelings and situations over and over now as an adult – being made to feel less than, forgotten, unimportant, surrounded by negative and judgmental words, etc, but familial obligation and wanting my children to grow up knowing their grandparents, cousins, etc brings me back to my family each time. I know I cannot change them, and I accept that they are this way even though I do not like it. Thankfully we live out of state and my in person visits are not that much, but even having to listen to the same old conversations, negative words, etc on the phone just makes me drag my feet calling them. SO – how does one deal with family when I am trying to free myself, but still having to be tied to those that bring up bad feelings?

    • Sandra Fazio
      June 5, 2015 10:19 pm 0Likes

      Thanks Lee for your response and questions. I hope my following points help and guide you further along.

      a. Great question and one that arises for so many of us who are evolving at different speeds, levels that our family – or others for that matter.

      b. You take responsibility for yourself only. You stay attuned and present to your own feelings.

      c. Staying mindful, pausing and present in the moment is key to not reacting. Asking yourself “what about my immediate family triggers me?”, “what is this moment here to show me about myself and where I have yet to grow?” These easily but profound questions can help you to remove the emotion (suppressed feelings) and bring them to the forefront of your mind (how you are presently feeling) so you can recognize and nurture them. This is being authentic to you and not allowing your false sense of self (otherwise known as your ego) to take control or have the power in that moment.

      d. Befriend your fears (of feeling lesser than, forgotten, unimportant, judgement, etc) – get to the root of them and as you do (via journaling, coaching, meditating, etc) you will come to see how they are part of you through what others have projected onto you from their own lack – NOT as part of your true essence.

      e. We all have inner lack and have looked outward for validation because that is how we were conditioned to believe the truths of our own being. Our parents did not know about conscious parenting so much of what you have inherited (like most of us) is all of their “lesser than feelings” and fears – their ego (authority) was a way for them to feel in control and good about themselves and their own unconscious inner lack. But now we know so much better (to do better for our children). It takes time, patience, consistency and day to day muscle building of staying attuned to our feelings as they arise so we can shed the old skin and allow new skin to grow … this is how we tap more into our truest essence that was always there (just not given a chance to take form) … per the latter mentioned reasons.

      f. You share a very important word “acceptance” … you have to accept you for who you are (let go of the need to attach your self-worth to your family) and as you do this more – you will set yourself free. In turn you will more easily, consciously accept your children and not let the cycle of these patterns continue generations ahead in your family.

      g. Through these steps, practices – you can begin taking charge (has you create your own inner boundaries of what you will allow and not allow) what will serve your soul, essence in the present moment and create those boundaries around anyone in your family – when they call, visit, etc. For example, if you initiate the call – take a few moments in advance to get present with your feelings and set the intentions on how you see that call going? If it oversteps your boundaries or starts to get your ego, emotions all riled up, then you have the control to say “this conversation is not serving me in a positive way” and I feel it would be best if we hang up cordially as I don’t’ want it to lead to any upsets. Remember, any changes will be uncomfortable first before they become more of the “norm” so be patient with yourself and others as they will feel resistance, threatened themselves as you evolve and they don’t. They will find ways to keep you where you are (shallow) so they feel better about themselves. This is the moment by moment practice – this is where you will start growing stronger and realizing your place for you that works – this is where you can walk away, take a breath, end the conversation, journal, etc … release all your emotions around it so it doesn’t suppress further and get into a vicious cycle.

      I hope this helps 🙂 If you need any further support, I offer parent / life-coaching sessions, which you can check out on my website: http://www.theconsciousparentblog.com – all information is provided there for your reference (as well as two supporting drop-down tabs).
      Namaste, Sandra

    • Sandra Fazio
      June 5, 2015 10:23 pm 0Likes

      a. Great question and one that arises for so many of us who are evolving at different speeds, levels that our family – or others for that matter.

      b. You take responsibility for yourself only. You stay attuned and present to your own feelings.

      c. Staying mindful, pausing and present in the moment is key to not reacting. Asking yourself “what about my immediate family triggers me?”, “what is this moment here to show me about myself and where I have yet to grow?” These easily but profound questions can help you to remove the emotion (suppressed feelings) and bring them to the forefront of your mind (how you are presently feeling) so you can recognize and nurture them. This is being authentic to you and not allowing your false sense of self (otherwise known as your ego) to take control or have the power in that moment.

      d. Befriend your fears (of feeling lesser than, forgotten, unimportant, judgement, etc) – get to the root of them and as you do (via journaling, coaching, meditating, etc) you will come to see how they are part of you through what others have projected onto you from their own lack – NOT as part of your true essence.

      e. We all have inner lack and have looked outward for validation because that is how we were conditioned to believe the truths of our own being. Our parents did not know about conscious parenting so much of what you have inherited (like most of us) is all of their “lesser than feelings” and fears – their ego (authority) was a way for them to feel in control and good about themselves and their own unconscious inner lack. But now we know so much better (to do better for our children). It takes time, patience, consistency and day to day muscle building of staying attuned to our feelings as they arise so we can
      shed the old skin and allow new skin to grow … this is how we tap more into our
      truest essence that was always there (just not given a chance to take form) … per the latter mentioned reasons.

      f. You share a very important word “acceptance” … you have to accept you for who you are (let go of the need to attach your self-worth to your family) and as you do this more – you will set yourself free. In turn you will more easily, consciously accept your children and not let the cycle of these patterns continue generations ahead in your family.

      g. Through these steps, practices – you can begin taking charge (has you create your own inner boundaries of what you will allow and not allow) what will serve your soul,
      essence in the present moment and create those boundaries around anyone in your
      family – when they call, visit, etc. For example, if you initiate the call – take a few moments in advance to get present with your feelings and set the intentions on how you see that call going? If it oversteps your boundaries or starts to get your ego, emotions all riled up, then you have the control to say “this conversation is not serving me in a positive way” and I feel it would be best if we hang up cordially as I don’t’ want it to lead to any upsets. Remember, any changes will be uncomfortable first before they become more of the “norm” so be patient with yourself and others as they will feel resistance, threatened
      themselves as you evolve and they don’t. They will find ways to keep you where you are (shallow) so they feel better about themselves. This is the moment by moment practice – this is where you will start growing stronger and realizing your place for you that works – this is where you can walk away, take a breath, end the conversation, journal, etc … release all your emotions around it so it doesn’t suppress further and get into a vicious cycle.

      I hope this helps J If you need any further support, I offer parent / life-coaching sessions, which you can check out on my website: http://www.theconsciousparentblog.com
      – all information is provided there for your reference (as well as two supporting
      drop-down tabs).

      Namaste, Sandra

  • Anna Glenn
    March 24, 2016 3:23 pm 0Likes

    Thank you for this. It’s such a hard point to get across and be accepted. I grew up in an extremely abusive situation and have made a lot of mistakes as an adult and as a parent. However, I refuse to accept that I cannot rise above and become a better mom. I’m working on how to show this shift in thinking – how can I use my story to help others. I don’t need pity, I need people surrounding me who support me, not feel sorry for me. I need people to help me go the next step and I need to help others take the next step. I cannot live in the swamp. Though interestingly I’m learning I cannot expend energy and force myself out of the swamp, I have to realize this is for the long term and I need to use my energy more wisely. I refuse to accept that I cannot be something because of how I grew up.

    • Sandra Fazio
      July 27, 2016 6:00 am 0Likes

      Anna you are such a truly wise soul and through your deep insights and ability to see the possibility through the pain, you WILL continue to raise yourself and manifest your vision of serving others through your journey, no doubt. It’s only through our experiences of life that we can truly resonate and connect with others who are traversing the same path – while they may be different – they are essentially the same. Keep shining your light for all to see! Namaste, Sandra

      • Anna Glenn
        July 27, 2016 11:24 am 0Likes

        Thank you Sandra for your kind words. I appreciate them!

        • Sandra Fazio
          July 27, 2016 1:59 pm 0Likes

          🙂 stay believing in YOU!

        • Sandra Fazio
          July 27, 2016 1:59 pm 0Likes

          🙂 stay believing in YOU!

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